Things are going to hit rock bottom before things get happy

Ok so I just want to warn that there is a 99.99% chance that all the upcoming posts will not be happy posts. I am super depressed and so things in my life are depressing. I have been crying non-stop and things just seem to be getting worse.

The relationship in my life that means the most to me had to change and I just don't know how much more change I can take. It is like a wall is up and I can't do anything to fix it. I know it is for the best but I just am having a really hard time coping with this change and so little things are setting me off.

I have been fighting urges to do stupid-ass things to hurt myself. Honestly the other day a train was coming up on the track and I had to slam down the brakes in order to prevent myself from slamming it onto the gas. I mean I was holding it down so hard that my left leg was shaking and I had to hold it there until it had passed. More and more doing stupid things come into my mind and they are getting harder to ignore.

So this weekend my goal is to get two tattoos. One on each wrist. Left wrist = It will be ok. Right wrist = Let it be. I have been having to chant it will be ok to myself over and over and that is all I hear from my best friend. I don't know... I want to believe it will be ok and so maybe having it in a spot where I will see it every day (and in a spot to remind me not to do stupid things) I can start to focus on how ok it really will be. Plus the quote was only $60 for both it seems to be a great sign that I should do it!

Oh and I went to the Doctors and I have a huge Vitamin D deficiency... so for the next few months I get to take 50,000 (yes that is right) units of Vitamin D three days for one week, once a week for four weeks and once every two weeks for eight weeks. Not sure how I will be able to remember to take it but I have to. They say that a vitamin d deficiency can cause pain and sleeplessness so I am really hoping that maybe there would be enough to get me to sleep after the first week.

Ok so this is really just a post to tell ya'll that I would not want to really force anyone to read the sad and depressing things in my life and you just want to make sure that if you read my blog for a while that you take nothing to heart and take offence please.

Bound and detirmined to have a happy post... damn it!

Ok so I realize that several of the last posts are not happy! And anyone who knows me understands that I have to at least pretend to be happy every once in a while! So happy post.... go! No go.... now! Oh crud I have to actually write it myself? Darn it! Let us start at the beginning a very good place to start (Stupid Sound of Music) I am in a marginal amount of pain. And yes this is good news! This means that I can ignore the pain and not have to rely on pain killers. So very happy news because I hate taking pain killers! Even better news since I hate feeling like I can't function - which is a typical occurrence when I am on them.

I have so many ideas for projects running in my head! I can't wait to get started.... I will have to take pictures of the in-between stages of the projects. I really hope they turn out as well as I think they look in my mind!

Ok well that was a short post! Sorry I guess I don't have a lot to write and my lunch hour is over... stay tuned for another episode of "The boring life according to Vic!"

I have been tagged (and I did not even know it - geeze)

I've been tagged by A Chick Named Chuck!

The Rules:
- Link to the person that tagged you and post the rules on your blog.
- Share one of the following:
-- Share 5 random and/or weird facts about yourself on your blog.
-- Share the 5 top places on your “want to see or want to see again” list.
-- Share 5 things you never pictured being in your future when your were (your age now) years old.
- Tag a minimum of 5, maximum of 10 random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
-- Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
-- The tagees have a choice of which they want to do.

Five random/weird facts:
1. I have trichotillomania. A mental disorder that causes people to compulsively pull their hair out. I try to confine it to places that people won't see underarms, legs and elsewhere. But I have been trying really hard to quit doing it on my legs because I have lots of scars from it. So much so that I wear jeans in the summer to be more comfortable around others. It is also one reason I really do not enjoy going swimming because the elsewhere is where I pull from most and so me and bathing suits do not look good together. I spend at least half an hour a day doing this... I can even be talking out loud telling myself to stop and I still go at it. I have never admitted/told that to anyone before now so no laughing please. I know that Tyler knows about the plucking (he obviously sees the scars) but I don't think he knows how obbsesive-compulsive I am about it.
2. I love burnt cookies!
3. When I am really pissed off and around other people I bite my finger nails. It's the only time I do that.
4. In the past two days I have only slept 5.5 hours!
5. In High School I went from 200 pounds to 120 pounds in less than a year. The one bag of cheez-its and a diet coke as your entire day's food content is not a reccomended diet!

I don't have any other friends who do a blog so I won't tag anyone. But if you read this and tag yourself let me know!

Ok either two hours of sleep really suites me well or the new meds have me bouncing of the wall!

I only got like two hours of sleep last night but I have been like super hyper today. I don't know if it is that you are so tired your wacky type of thing or if it is the new meds that are making me go wacky. Either way I guess I feel wacky! I fell asleep around two and woke up at four. I let the dogs out of the kitchen and they were down the stairs and on the couch in their spots before I had hit the middle of the stairs. Well I laid down with them... each of us got a couch cusion. Ok so I laid there for about thrity minutes before I decided that there was no way I was going to be able to fall asleep. So I got up and flipped on the lights... let me tell you Penny has never given me such an evil go-to-hell look as she did when those lights went on! Anyways I grabbed my ipod turned it up loud and started making a card. Viola! A pretty card inside and out - wait the outside then the inside! This morning I was thinking this is either going to be an amazing card or a the worse card I have ever made. I mean come on! It was four in the morning with two hours of sleep. Well I have gotten several opinions today and I think they all were more towards the thats really good than oh hmmm well uh-huh. So I think thats good right? Here are the pictures of it... the card is 3-D with lots of deminsion and every point of the star is a sperate folded piece of paper.

I am really in this paper folding mood so I am working on some embelishment / elements for a swap with my friends online so I will be posting more creations that are in bright pinks, yellows and greens. Better watch out I will soon be able to lay a flat piece of paper in my hand and with out looking use only one hand to fold it into a life size replica of the Statue of Liberty! Oh wait I think that may be the wacky talking. But I bet I can sure try!

The joy of having a disease that no one believes!

For the past ten years I have had a chronic pain problem. How did it all start? Well I am super smooth, talented, graceful whichever word you wish to use and in my sophomore year in high school I managed to fall down a set of bleachers --- and this is the best part --- this was at a homecoming football game and everyone was there. Well when I fell I landed on my back and slammed the lower back onto the metal bleachers. So I went to the doctor and got lots of x-rays only to find out that my lower vertebra are opened slightly (much like people with spina bifida but not as severe) so when I hit my back basically I hit the nerve column directly. The doctors could not figure out why I was in so much pain all the time since there were no fractures of the spine. Well eventually (after seriously 100's of x-rays, tons of different blood work, bone scans, cat scans and MRIs) they diagnosed me with Fibromyasia - kinda. Ok so how do you kinda diagnose something? Easy enough actually! Fibromyasia can be triggered by traumatic events to your body and it is kinda the catch all disease that if they can't figure out what is wrong you get labeled with it. Well ten-ish years later (today actually) I ask well are we pretty certain that I still have Fibromyalsia? And the answer, Yeah we are pretty certain that you have it due to the constant problems you have.

So what is Fibromyalsia? It is a chronic pain disorder that basically means that everyday some part of my body is in pain. It varies in intensity from day to day and also varies on the location of the pain. I honestly can't remember the last time I had an entire day of being pain free. I know there have only been a few over the last ten years. Over the counter meds like Advil or Tylenol don't really do anything to stop the pain, and in order for them to work I have to take a minimum of 6 pills (which I dislike because of the damage that does to your liver) and so most days I try to ignore the pain and focus on other things. Some days it is relatively easy to ignore the pain because either it is minimal or I am so busy I don't have time to think about it. Other days it gets harder.

Well today we decided to try two new drugs to help with the pain and the sleeplessness due to pain. Get this most drugs that are used to treat Fibromyalsia are not actually for it but usually for diseases like epilepsy, depression, antipsychotics and other fun brain related things. I have run the gambit on the meds to treat it and today I can add two more to the list an antidepressant and an antipsychotic medicine. Joy! There is only one medicine that the FDA has approved for the treatment of Fibromyalsia and my insurance company has it in it's "head" that it is not a real problem and therefore will not pay for the approved medicine. Oh well lets hope that these two new drugs will give me some relief. But just in case I start puffing out my cheeks, biting air, or have other involuntary muscle spasms call my doctor because it is a bad side effect from the anti-psychotic. No wonder mental patients look crazy they are on medicines that make them involuntarily jumpy and weird.

Bad Habits -- You'd think by now I would learn what not to do!

Ok I have this bad habit of hurting the ones I love by saying mean things to them when I am upset. I did something I should not have done (snoop through letters & notes that were not mine to look at) then I got super upset over what was in them and proceeded to bite the head off of the person they were addressed to. I know it is stupid for me to get pissed off when I am reading things I am not supposed to because hell if I was supposed to read them then more than likely I would not be pissed off at what they said. Ok so that does not justify my actions I do understand that. But I think I shoved my foot deep down my throat with the things I said to the person the letters/notes were addressed to... to the point where basically I got told to "go to hell and we never have to talk again"... since I obviously think little of the relationship between me and the addressee. Wait though that is not the case... I got upset because of the relationship we had and the things in the letters/notes seemed to contradict that majorly!

I don't know what I am supposed to do! While I am really upset (fighting back tears all day long over the hurt feelings) I don't want to ruin the relationship/friendship with the addressee. But I think I seriously injured it and they are not even upset that I read the letters/notes! Just a what came out of my mouth when I was upset about them. One of these days I will learn tact - my dad tried to beat it into me with a belt all the time growing up and some days I think I have it down. But when it comes to my friends I so often say things that hurt them and I understand this obsession with hurting those I love only because I feel comfortable enough to really tell them what I think/say.

And I had been doing so good with ignoring annoying things (flirting /little girly girls) with this person because it was not my place to have an opinion on what they do with their free time. But this was just too much and so I gave up my resolution of trying to play everything off as a joke (because it is always easier to laugh at yourself then really tell people how you feel) and laid it all out there. I am really scared that I messed up more than I have ever done in my life - and trust me I have done some stupid shit when it comes to relationships in my life! I am not sure how this relationship can go on from here without being seriously injured or guarded for a long time. I don't want to lose this relationship/friendship at all and it kills me to think that I probably have. But the worst part is the go to hell part was said because I mentioned money... not because of the mean things I said about the things in the letters but over money! To lose a friendship over something so so so stupid is ridiculous!

I am hurting pretty bad right now. I have been crying all day long and I am really scared. This person means so much to me and if I lost them... well then I have lost everything that means anything to me in this life. Honestly it would make a few bad decisions very easy to make if I lost this person in my life. And it scares me that I am even thinking things like that... because it would be enough to make those decisions for me and make it easy to follow through.

I won! I won! I won!

One of the local radio stations was having this giveaway where they are giving 20 prize packages away. The prize... a day-trip to the Kansas City Area to go gambling with a friend which includes the bus ride, some spending money and dinner. While they are there they will also be giving away other prizes. Well I signed up because my great grandma loves - obsessed loves - to go gambling and I have not had alot of extra money plus a trip where I don't have to drive why not? Well.... I WON!!!!! I have not called her yet but I will on my lunch break... she will be so excited! Now the only problem will be getting her up and around and to the pickup point for the bus by 7:30 in the morning.



My boss is great... originally I was supposed to work a financial aid event this sunday because Newman is the site host. But she was really understanding about it. In all honesty I would not have signed up if I had known the trip was for the Sunday... but I am now glad I did! Now I just hope the bad weather is gone before Sunday or otherwise it will be a long drive sitting next to my worrying Mimi Doll!

Guess it is a good thing that I got my KS refund back already cause I don't have alot of $ right now due to endless Doctor bills! So I am really excited!!!

Snow day and volunteer stuff = I have been busy

Ok so yestersay I woke up at 4 in the morning with a Veggie Tales Silly Song stuck in my head... mind you I don't have children it's not like it was something I had hear recently. But it would not shut off so I could not get back to bed. Oh and yesterday it snowed and my work closed (best kind of phone call to get at 6 in the morning - then a call from my mom at 6:20 - then a call from mil at 6:30) so I spent the afternoon working on cards! I got about 40 done. Some of them have metalic embelishments on them. Well I drove to Home Depot and got a huge bunch of the Ralph Loren (sp?) metalic paint chip samples then ran them through my cuttlebug (wonderful christmas present from little brother) an it worked perfectly... see now I have even more of a reason to go to the hardware store to stock up on my free supplies! So if any of you visit home depot snag a couple for me! You might just get a pretty card out of the deal!

Oh and today I used my grommet kit to help make financial aid banners for work. My boss was so impressed with my talent... not sure how hard it is to hit something with a hammer but hey if she thinks it's talent I will take it!

Plus I have been working on cordinating a volunteer event for the women at my work (faculty staff and students) the Habitat for Humanity is having a Women Build project and so far I have over 30 people signed up! I am so excited to have such a great turnout. My work gives us 40 hours of paid volunteer time so I think I may spend an entire week helping to build the house. Plus since I am a team cordinator I have to volunteer if I have others signed up so I guess it is great I have the 40 hours. Oh and (I know just so many fun things) I am starting up for our schools Charity Silent Auction. This year we are raising money for the American Cancer Society and The Free Wheelchair Mission. It was started by an alum of Newman University (where I work and am an alum twice over) and if you are interested in learning more you can visit here: http://www.freewheelchairmission.org/. It seems like a really worthwhile cause so I am excited to get started on that. As soon as the date is ok'ed by the higher ups then I get to start soliciting donations... that is always the fun part. No I take it back when the donations start to come in that is the fun part... kinda like christmas even though I can't keep any of them.

Everyone have a wonderful weekend.