Ok I have this bad habit of hurting the ones I love by saying mean things to them when I am upset. I did something I should not have done (snoop through letters & notes that were not mine to look at) then I got super upset over what was in them and proceeded to bite the head off of the person they were addressed to. I know it is stupid for me to get pissed off when I am reading things I am not supposed to because hell if I was supposed to read them then more than likely I would not be pissed off at what they said. Ok so that does not justify my actions I do understand that. But I think I shoved my foot deep down my throat with the things I said to the person the letters/notes were addressed to... to the point where basically I got told to "go to hell and we never have to talk again"... since I obviously think little of the relationship between me and the addressee. Wait though that is not the case... I got upset because of the relationship we had and the things in the letters/notes seemed to contradict that majorly!
I don't know what I am supposed to do! While I am really upset (fighting back tears all day long over the hurt feelings) I don't want to ruin the relationship/friendship with the addressee. But I think I seriously injured it and they are not even upset that I read the letters/notes! Just a what came out of my mouth when I was upset about them. One of these days I will learn tact - my dad tried to beat it into me with a belt all the time growing up and some days I think I have it down. But when it comes to my friends I so often say things that hurt them and I understand this obsession with hurting those I love only because I feel comfortable enough to really tell them what I think/say.
And I had been doing so good with ignoring annoying things (flirting /little girly girls) with this person because it was not my place to have an opinion on what they do with their free time. But this was just too much and so I gave up my resolution of trying to play everything off as a joke (because it is always easier to laugh at yourself then really tell people how you feel) and laid it all out there. I am really scared that I messed up more than I have ever done in my life - and trust me I have done some stupid shit when it comes to relationships in my life! I am not sure how this relationship can go on from here without being seriously injured or guarded for a long time. I don't want to lose this relationship/friendship at all and it kills me to think that I probably have. But the worst part is the go to hell part was said because I mentioned money... not because of the mean things I said about the things in the letters but over money! To lose a friendship over something so so so stupid is ridiculous!
I am hurting pretty bad right now. I have been crying all day long and I am really scared. This person means so much to me and if I lost them... well then I have lost everything that means anything to me in this life. Honestly it would make a few bad decisions very easy to make if I lost this person in my life. And it scares me that I am even thinking things like that... because it would be enough to make those decisions for me and make it easy to follow through.
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