Things are going to hit rock bottom before things get happy

Ok so I just want to warn that there is a 99.99% chance that all the upcoming posts will not be happy posts. I am super depressed and so things in my life are depressing. I have been crying non-stop and things just seem to be getting worse.

The relationship in my life that means the most to me had to change and I just don't know how much more change I can take. It is like a wall is up and I can't do anything to fix it. I know it is for the best but I just am having a really hard time coping with this change and so little things are setting me off.

I have been fighting urges to do stupid-ass things to hurt myself. Honestly the other day a train was coming up on the track and I had to slam down the brakes in order to prevent myself from slamming it onto the gas. I mean I was holding it down so hard that my left leg was shaking and I had to hold it there until it had passed. More and more doing stupid things come into my mind and they are getting harder to ignore.

So this weekend my goal is to get two tattoos. One on each wrist. Left wrist = It will be ok. Right wrist = Let it be. I have been having to chant it will be ok to myself over and over and that is all I hear from my best friend. I don't know... I want to believe it will be ok and so maybe having it in a spot where I will see it every day (and in a spot to remind me not to do stupid things) I can start to focus on how ok it really will be. Plus the quote was only $60 for both it seems to be a great sign that I should do it!

Oh and I went to the Doctors and I have a huge Vitamin D deficiency... so for the next few months I get to take 50,000 (yes that is right) units of Vitamin D three days for one week, once a week for four weeks and once every two weeks for eight weeks. Not sure how I will be able to remember to take it but I have to. They say that a vitamin d deficiency can cause pain and sleeplessness so I am really hoping that maybe there would be enough to get me to sleep after the first week.

Ok so this is really just a post to tell ya'll that I would not want to really force anyone to read the sad and depressing things in my life and you just want to make sure that if you read my blog for a while that you take nothing to heart and take offence please.