This picture kinda sums up how I feel sometimes. Look around and there are tons of people around but still your stuck all alone and you can't go towards those around. Goes with the line I have used for this blog as the title... from Third Eye Blind's first CD. It has always been a song that I have resonated with, sadly.
Do you ever say something that you almost immediately regret. I find myself doing this more and more lately. I don't know why I have gotten to the point where I say everything that comes to mind, regardless of the consequences. I hate it! It just ends up hurting those I love... and I know it hurts them but I still continue to do it. I don't know how to apologize to them because I know that I have hurt them... even when I don't want that. Life has spun out of control for me and I am not sure how to get it back on track, if there is such a thing as on track. My life sucks most of the time. I have to fit any part of "living" or having fun in the hours that my husband is at work. It makes me jealous of my friends who get to go have fun no matter what time of the day it is. They get to hang out with whoever they want and don't have to worry about "getting in trouble." How sad is it that when I talk to friends about hanging out it comes down to aren't you going to get in trouble? I am so tired of not being able to do what I want with who I want! When I try to explain how it would be worth "getting in trouble" to hang out with a friend I get told that it makes them upset to hear me being ok with it. I don't get it... how have I progressed to where I make everyone mad whether or not I mean to? Is there something about me that just screams out "hey I am here just trying to have some little sense of fun but that's ok you just go ahead and squash that by telling me that I should not have fun because I might get in trouble?" Trouble what is that anyways? Life sucks the way it is... I have to cram any enjoyment that I can into a few hours... is it not worth it to get in trouble along the way?
Heck I have never been a crazy go wild type of gal. I have never done anything remotely crazy. I have friends who have done such amazing things and I am so jealous! I have become a really jealous type of person lately and I hate that about myself. I am not really jealous that they have done somethings - because some of the things that some of my friends have done have been very stupid and dangerous - more jealous that they were able to let loose and have fun. Today Tim and I were talking about some drink, oh he was telling me about a bar that he goes to all the time. When he was naming off a few drinks to me I just had to shrug because I did not know what they were and he told me sometime you will have to go with me and try one. I just had to laugh and say sure sometime. We all know that is not going to happen anytime soon... he goes out to the bars after my "curfew" and he doesn't want me to get in trouble. And seriously I doubt that I have it in me to have a good time at a bar wouldn't know what to do I guess. So what do I do when I get home I text him some awful things that I knew I should not say... but I can't help it! I think I take out alot of aggression I have on him because I know he is my best friend and he will always be there for me... but one of these days I am afraid I will go to far and he will say enough is enough. There are a few things I do where even while I am telling myself "stop doing this you need to stop" I keep going. I will even be saying it out loud and I still continue it. Texting bad things is one and there is another thing that I do that I am just not comfortable saying even in this pseudo journal. When is it my turn to do wild things? I was telling Tyler on Halloween that it might be fun to go out to a bar that night because everyone would be in costume and well it might be fun... his response was a spiteful "I thought we were pass that stage." Pass that stage? I have never gone through that stage! In my life I have done half a shot and finish one (that's right one) wine cooler. Wow! What a stage... and sadly that was within the last 6 months. I just feel like I have missed out on something. I am 24 and feel like I am an old fuddy duddy. When I have gone places and asked if I want a drink, like a work function, and I say no I get asked what are you Mormon? I don't know this is just a long rambling going no where post. I started this more as an apology to the friends I hurt and I end up complaining that my life stinks and I have never done anything crazy.
So to my best friend - If you read this I really am sorry for the things I do to you. It is not fair to you in any way shape or form. I know I apologize all the time to you (and to everyone for that matter) so they end up sounding hollow but I really do want to let you know I am going to really try to listen to that little voice that shouts at me all the time. Thank you for putting up with me and all of my nonsense. So very often you are one of the only one I can turn to and I really appreciate your support.
To everyone else - sorry that this one is not a fun post to read. Thank you for letting me vent. Hopefully the next couple of posts will be more light hearted.
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